We were down at the Life On Life's Terms meeting, and this elderly dude who looked like Tennessee Ernie Ford was saying that he'd been a lush for thirty years, and that he always had an excuse. He was smoking Chesterfields like he was trying to smoke out the devil inside, man.
He said yep, he'd told his wife before she'd taken the kids and split that he was overcome with sorrow over the death of Rutherford B. Hayes and the only thing that would set him right was a tumbler full of Captain Morgan. He added that he liked Seconal and Tunials as well, but when the bacon hit the pan, the Captain was his drug of choice.
And then they all got up and hugged Tennessee Ernie Ford and one man shouted, "It's seven years for me! Seven goddamn years!" and everybody was going wild like it was a Who concert and I wondered when somebody would throw their panties at the dude or try to suck his dick, but some other guy was at this podium saying that it was seven years tonight that he'd last gotten mowed and he wanted to thank Bill for it and God, too.
It was years later, in Tempe, Arizona, that I met a fella who'd known the Life On Life's Terms people and he soon after died of a brain tumor but all he said to me about it was, "Just figgure out who the fuck you wanna be and be it." I never caught that man's name, but I realized that I'd long ago figgured out who I wanned to be, and it wasn't Tennessee Ernie Ford.
I had never thought of the death of Rutherford B. Hayes as a reason to get so fucked up on cherry brandy I didn't care if I never saw another sunrise. But I was sure thinking about it then. And wondering why it had never occurred to me. Hayes' death was a horrible thing. A part of life, yes, but yet a horrible, horrible thing. Had my mind been washed? If you were fucking Rutherford B. Hayes and he up and died, wouldn't YOU take a drink? Well, you're a sorry son of a bitch if you wouldn't. I myself never fucked the President, but I loved him, retroactively. FUCK YOU for not mourning the death of President Hayes, I thought. I need a drink, communist.
QUESTIONS:
- Tennessee Ernie Ford's grandfather was an ardent supporter of the future president. Tennessee Ernie Ford later did paid advertisements for milk biscuits. What is the connection between Rutherford B. Hayes and milk biscuits? Think.
- The narrator is angry in the as yet unwritten Chapter 8, Part 2. What do you know about the administration of Rutherford B. Hayes? Would you be angry? Why or why not.
- If you were present at the death of President Hayes, would you accept a drink?
Have a safe short weekend. Expect a quiz.
Back to Chapter 11