So then, ever sat around and wondered what ever happened to all those God Joined Together in YOUR life, and just where the hell are they now, what are they doing, who are they fucking, are they happy, sad (or like most of us, in some kind of gray limbo between these two romantic Absolutes), are they dead? Will you ever hear from them or about them again and if so, how, and do you care (which of course you DO, or else you wouldn't be thinking about Them), are they strung out on Meth, or living in the Suburbs with 10,000 children, have they turned gay/straight, rich/poor, did they ever actually write/paint/direct/compose/achieve anything? Well Most people, They have So Wondered.
Which is what Champ Garland was Ruminating on during the morning of March 7. What ever happened to Cunie Briggs, or Culva Ledford, he was thinking? Great fucks, the both of them. Or Ollie Warden, Maud Rudisill, or Jennifer Jaasma, who could've been cool if she'd Wanted to Be? And Martha Fortner, wow, she sure was a Heartbreaker. Or even that Gaywad Romulus Shannonhouse, what a Trip he used to be! Single-malt Shuffleboard, nude at 4 am. Jesus. Champ was thinking Jesus, I wonder if, say, Charlie Watts sits around and thinks about this shit. I'll bet he Does, is what Champ was thinking.
But Champ, though not as good as Brian McCoon, was a bit of an Historian himself, and not only in terms of all his Personal Crap up there. Not even his own Family Genealogy, though others are into this and we'll take that up tomorrow.
And he was thinking Fuck! What if the Romans hadn't invaded England. And fucked a bunch of Visigoth proto-English chicks. Or that Gunthrum the Viking hadn't Pillaged the same damn places. As if some Germanic Tribe Sperm wasn't in the FRENCH line, too, by way of the English, who also fucked the Irish, and the Picts, who were not Anglo-Saxon, actually, like the Roman/Germanic/Scandinavian English Race, but Something Else Entirely, and then the Scots fucked the French when they were all tight fighting the English, and this is beFORE the Colonization of the Americas, even. Not to fail to mention the Mongolian and the Russian connections by way of the Germanic Tribes north of Turkey. What's going on? How do I know who I am, or what anybody's really about?
— Champ was stoned off his ass on this Bud he'd scored that was laced with Formalin. And he was thinking,
Motherfucker! The entire European Diaspora! This and That and This and I've STILL forgotten all I learned about this in College except THEN, they didn't talk about Fucking, they talked about Fighting. Like the Crusades. On which some MAJOR Fuckery was going down, don't you know. The entire History of the World is about fighting only insofar as it related to fucking, and more power to THAT, hey? Man, the French troops were raping the HELL out of Saladin's troops or whoeverthefuck it was, and why did Hannibal cross the Alps? To Fuck! Why the Napoleonic campaigns? To Fuck! And to bring back Pot into France. Hitler? He wanted to fuck everything that moved, to Spread his Spores, but the problem was that the Russians like to Fuck, too, and they got to his Bunker and fucked Eva Braun HARD and man, MAN, we haven't even beGUN to talk about the Biblical Times yet or the Diaspora of the Israelites, who were fucking the Egyptians to create the Picts who migrated to Ireland and had themselves some PHAT SEX!
— Champ was getting all this figured out for himself. For the real story, which is just on a parallel universe from the machinations of Said gentleman's swiss-cheesed Brain, we'll have some Footnotes and perhaps some diagrams at the End of this Book.
And had not God cooked it all up? Didn't this all Pleaseth the Lord Well, Champ was thinking while Packing his Bong? Well SURE! 'Cause if God didn't want to Join it, how the hell's it all gonna HAPPEN, then! Get it?
He was talking to himself and saying, And then they went to the Americas, and inroads were made into South America which I'll think about when I'm sober but they were also made up into, like, Pennsylvania, and from there to Virginia and to West Virginia, which Pleased the Lord to see referred to as Appalachia, and Devil Fuck Me if the Foundations of America didn't trickle down towards Tennessee like when Emma Macklin used to Squeeze my Lemon Baby 'till the Juice runs down my Leg. And FUCK all your Peter Stuyvesant shit, that Dutch shit didn't get going for years, man, I mean just LOOK at yourself. So where I, Champ Garland, am the Cradle of the Civilization which is America, Spawned from the Spunk of the Granddaddies of Europe, and so when I think about where the Four Winds have blown all of THEM, all the people I've KNOWN, off to, I just picture the life of a Mustard Seed or of Johnny Appleseed and realize that since I'm here it just weren't no accident, praise God, and all the women who Shared my Bed, tonight I just think about the Lust of their great-great-great Grandmothers before opening up a magazine and getting Off into sleep, for I asked for an answer and I asked it of Myself and what I got back was the History of the World. Its stories, its myths, we'll leave that to the Scholars, but tonight, thought Champ Garland, tonight, in my Understanding I have truly been blessed by God, and my Eyes have been Opened.