Holy Thursday found Cuthbert of Lindisfarne, that Saint who witnessed Rods while Tending Sheep, partying his Ass off, as it seems he'd forgotten that his day was March 20. People were more than a bit embarrassed to see it, but they weren't all that worried about it since lots else was going on that Fateful Day, what with the passing of Dudley Moore and a few other People as well, coupled with the inane quotation by Lynn Dean, a Dickweed Louisiana Republican Senator, who asserted that the State would not need a Cancer Research Center since, as he put it, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't chew, and I don't go with girls who do. And seeing as how Fallacious such a statement was, not a few people, even Christians, were hoping that Cancer would Join Together with the Body of the Pompous Asshole, leading him to feel enough Pain to take Certain Measures, as shit! Even Arnold Palmer, not known for his Loose Living, had overcome Prostate Cancer, as had Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf, a Patriotic American, and know what? It's about time Sen. Lynn Dean got a Checkup himself, people were saying. Holy Shit, man, sometimes you just wish this Stupid World would end, and You with it.
— This was certainly the feeling of Don Bickham, Writer of Moralistic Emails, who was taken into Custody after murdering Brian McCoon with a five-iron after expressing Public Outrage over McCoon's Book, God's Pussy, and that both Events went down on the Same Day overshadowed the sorrowful funeral of the man best know to the Rest of Them as Roger van Cleef, 67, an Author.
You don't like all the Wonders that God has Joined Together, everybody? Write me. We'll see that You, like They, are not Exempt. Or God'll do it for us. Be patient, motherfuckers, Be Patient. 'Cause you'll be one Before you know it.
— When was the last time you thought about Sgt. Barry Sadler? Just wondered. Sing along, now, and know that one day, you're ALL the one Narrating What God Has Joined Together.
Yet it Came to Pass that on his Very First night in Prison for the Murder of a Nursery Rhyme Scholar, Don Bickham was getting Raped in the Butt, sans KY, by a very large gentleman of Indeterminate age or race by the name of MG Midget, who was lubing it up with his own Spit and saying, You know how people in Prison and the like always find Religion? I'm no different, Bitch. UHHHH! Nosir, No Different. Except what My belief requires is that you take a Leap of Faith, like Kierkegaard. That you come to accept Pascal's Wager. About the Lord. Have you ever read Leviticus? MG was asking. Well, fuck it. 'Cause you know what Lennon (who was Bigger than Jesus) said, Instant Karma's Gonna Get You. You, me, Them, and the cells growing in that Republican Senator's Glory Gland, boy, 'cause you're my HERM. My fuckboy, now, see, and UHHHH! Loosen it up or I'll Cut your Throat. And anyway, 'Putin is inside me as I Roger your Butt and if you will only Accept the Truth, we will all be One and this ain't no Hale-Bopp Bullshit, either. Rasputin loves me, you, even the Woman in Chapter 15 who's bitching 'cause she's Yearning for her Lost Cock and look. You're horrified? Well, so am I, and from the Mouth of Horror comes Wisdom. OPEN YOUR ASS, BITCH! Those Buildings, the ones that got blown up? THOSE buildings, yes. Were you not entertained? Like that Hottie Russell Crowe says in Gladiator. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED, YOU SON OF A WHORE? 'Cause they are, all of them, here in the mundane Plane flying around in God's Pussy, and hell, Bitch, we, as Humans, love to be entertained by the worst shit ever and admit it, 'cause it's me, MG, fixing to get off in your Virgin Rectum 'cause you thought you were Better than me! That you were Right! Well, you soon-to-be-Cockwipe, you sir are not. Get it? UHHHHH! Yeah! I'm so hot you're so GODDAMN COLD but now you're Under my Thumb, which is what a limp Dick resembles, except mine is Hard as Boulder, Colorado, where they all drive Saabs, and once you see one Saab, they start turning up everywhere!!!!!!
— It was Here that MG Midget shot his Bolt.
And in the midst of All This Shit, MG continued, things are still for shit and they always Have been Shit and hey always Will be Shit SO!
So, said MG, it's time to get Right with God, especially as Tomorrow is Good Friday. You missed the Resurrection the first time, don't let it happen again. Which is Easier Said than Done, but you & me, we'll get there! You are my Bitch and as such you are the Bitch of God and God loves you, me, Them, and everybody thinks it's a goddamn Apple Bob but Fool, we're in Transit. And we'll BE in Transit until you give yourself up and then, all is Love.
For tomorrow is the day that, they tell us, that Christ was Crucified. You kilt a man not with a Five-Iron but with Hate, which is Fear, and at the End of Fear is Space, and perhaps you can get like me, MG! Or I'll kill you, Slut. 'Cause you want True Love with your Maker?
Well, OH! True Love.
— It's just a Shot Away.
And this is what MG said to Don, and then the Lights went out, and the Veil Ripped at the Entrance to the Temple, and Darkness was upon the Face of the Earth, and the Earth was without form, and Void, and God said, Let there Be Light!
But this time, it Didn't Work that way.